In the messy ocean of modern dating, new terms surface with startling frequency. One of the latest—and perhaps most insidious—is “submarining.” At first glance, it may sound like a quirky euphemism, but those who have experienced it describe a deep psychological sting. Unlike ghosting, which involves a person disappearing entirely from contact, submarining refers to when someone vanishes from your life with no warning—only to resurface months later as if nothing ever happened.

What Is Submarining, Exactly?

Submarining typically follows a period of intense communication, flirtation, or even early-stage dating. Then, without any explanation, the person stops responding, ignores texts, and disappears from social media interactions. But unlike ghosting—which tends to mark the final act—submarining comes with an encore. The perpetrator returns weeks or months later with a casual message like, “Hey stranger!” or “How have you been?” They offer no context or apology, expecting the conversation—and the connection—to pick up where it left off.

“Submarining is like emotional whiplash,” says one relationship coach. “It creates confusion and undermines the recipient’s sense of closure and self-worth. The person on the receiving end is left questioning what went wrong, only for the situation to be reignited without resolution.”

Why It’s More Harmful Than Ghosting

While ghosting has been widely condemned for its emotional cruelty and lack of maturity, submarining arguably adds another layer of manipulation. Psychologically, it can re-open wounds that were beginning to heal. A 2024 survey of 1,200 singles found that 67% rated submarining as more upsetting than being ghosted, with many describing feelings of déjà vu, self-doubt, and anxiety.

The critical issue lies in the lack of accountability. Submariners often behave as if their absence didn’t happen. This blatant disregard for the other person’s emotional experience fuels resentment and creates a toxic dynamic.

“It’s the audacity,” says a Dublin-based therapist. “Ghosting is cowardly, but at least it’s final. Submarining is about control. It’s testing whether you’re still available and willing to play by their rules.”

What Motivates Submariners?

There are several motivations behind submarining, and most are rooted in selfishness. Some people do it out of boredom, loneliness, or curiosity about what you’ve been up to. Others use it as a way to keep multiple romantic options afloat without any intention of committing. In worst-case scenarios, submarining is used as a power play—an attempt to re-establish dominance or regain attention.

It may also stem from the illusion of availability that dating apps perpetuate. With so many options a swipe away, some daters treat connections as disposable, circling back when it’s convenient for them.

How to Respond If It Happens to You

Recognising submarining is the first step toward protecting yourself. If someone who disappeared reappears with no explanation or accountability, it’s important to assess your own boundaries. Are you willing to let someone back in who disregarded your time and feelings?

Experts recommend resisting the urge to respond with open arms. Instead, ask questions: “Why did you disappear?” or “What are you looking for now?” Their answers—or lack thereof—will reveal their true intentions.

“If someone won’t acknowledge the harm they caused, that’s a red flag,” warns a dating psychologist. “You deserve consistency, not chaos.”

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